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Fighting My own Battle within...

Sun, 08 May 2011 23:26:29 +0100

What is love? What are all of these emotions that I feel? I love you forever, and my heart breaks when I am not with you, but the same heart that cries in misery, is the same heart that is suspicious, and doubtful, or maybe insecure. For no reason other than the way I feel. I feel the love from him, I believe in him when he is caring, hold my hands, kiss my face, and tell me that I am beautiful. I believe in these things we do when we love, but I am still unsure how to feel. Don't want to lose the love I've found because of my own insecurities. So I say, I love you to mask, my own battle that I am fighting within.Your heart so kind and gentle, you respond, I love you too, my mind calms down... and then the next day I'm at it again.

My Decisions, My Life

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 23:54:02 +0100

Why is it that some people only want to talk to you when you are having problems in your life. It's kind of weird having this person call you, they come to see you and seem kind of concerned, they want to know in full details how crappy you feel, how stressed you are. How bad you are at that point in your life.... When you had Amazing things going on, they weren't there, when you accomplished greatness, no one cared. These same people did nothing to celebrate that special time in your life. It is just weird, and it makes you wonder, if these people even care in the first place or are they just programed to care because life & blood made it that way. I believe sibling grow up, apart, and they create their own families. They live there own lives, they see there relatives on holidays, and special birthdays but for the most part they live separate lives. Therefore, when you go through something in your life, you should have only those their who you actually spent time with, the ones you could call if something was wrong.. In life some people don't change, others do. For that reason, we grow apart. Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you need to only call them when they are stressed, or depressed. They may only want to associate with people whom they were actually close with nothing personal. What if you don't have anyone like that in your family? You seek therapy... If you want to grow, change the way you think, not live a life of doubting everything you do or say because someone else may not agree. Some people, just need to live their own lives, go through their own trails, make their peace. Please don't just come around when I am under pressure, it's already humiliating, your presence only make it worst being that you only come around when my life is in chambers. Excuse me for not knowing how to take that, come around when I am happy. How do you say that to someone not trying to hurt there feelings, but I don't want to talk about my difficulties in life.. I'll chat with counselors and people who are actually really there... Thanks for your concern but NO thank you.

Lost

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 23:12:49 +0100

At the worst point of my life, They say right before your dreams become a reality, some evil force tries to take it all away from you. I lost 2 things, I loved very much...
My unborn child to a miscarriage, and the love whom I worked so hard to create a life for due to some unknown reason... A reason I can't understand...
Sometimes 2 people who've known each other for even a decade can grow into 2 very different people..
I am not an Angel, but I tried my best...
All I wanted was for this man to love me, the way I loved him...
I couldn't imagine hurting someone I loved, so I can't process the thought of him hurting me.. All of my great memories, all of our happy times, our memories, and photos, dates, and anniversary's, all gone because of one bad morning...
He could have made a better choice, that choice should have been him not hurting me, but he chose to hurt me... And did he hurt me in so many ways, he wouldn't understand...
The pain of your dreams going down the drain hurts like hell...
Not completely knowing that he understand the severity of what happened to me, and how that made me feel... and all the horrible nightmares...Something I don't think he'll understand...
Through out our 11 year relationship, he's rarely taken the responsibility for hurting me... I doubt he'll take this responsibility, and how I wish he would, How I wish he'd get help... How I wish he'd change... I seen the beauty in him, I seen a great person deep down inside... It's sad he doesn't know his potential..What's sadder is him losing me... this woman, who would give him anything. As i go through my heartbreak, and sorrow for this man I loved so much..I will try to remind myself...that he will never understand...
because of that I have too...

She is I

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 03:42:17 +0100

Drips dropping on my skin, bubbles forming, exploding, as I rub myself slowly. Squeeze the cloth and water & bubbles go rolling down my skin, into the drain, as I clean my beautiful brown body. My skin is soft, smooth, and buttery. Delicious. As I began to move in to another room. My mirror awaits my face, mirror needs my tone, I give my self to my mirror, and she makes me beautiful, Enhance my beauty, stare at my shape, stare in my eyes. Oh my, I'm so fly. My curves are perfection, my mind is happy, my body is healthy. I dress my exterior, I thank my God. Put on my humble glasses, and face my destiny.

Imagination

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 03:24:38 +0100

Deep in my thoughts, I say how I feel. I am human, and these feeling must be expressed in order for me to dress. I will never say a name, whether true or false, happy or not happy. They are my words from my world or imagination. Time changes order and order changes time. Sometimes, my mind is cloudy and doubt-y of what is really going on. I'm lost in my dreams, and imaging what it really could be, by the time I come out of the cloud, it's too late. My reality went away. I'm left with words & my imagination again, imaging that things will be okay. It's easy to see what isn't there, It's hard to act on what is present until it's too late. My words, mind, imagination. Amazing. If I didn't understand my last trail, I'll remember next time.

My heart song.

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 03:06:12 +0100

I sing to your heart through songs, I sing sweet words, out of my lungs, in hopes that tone will meet your heart. When I sing those words, I pray to my god, that in some way, you feel my moan. Sometimes, I cry to the words that I sing to you, wishing you were there so that I could sing to you. The words to the song, the words of my life. I sing to your heart through songs. If you were here, you could see my passion in the words that I sing, you can feel the joy of the words that I sing, you can feel the pain in the words that I sing. I sing sweets words out of my lungs in hope that the tone will meet your heart. We don't speak, I sing. My faith and my song I sing to your heart.

Unsure

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 02:53:27 +0100

Holding on to something that you love, but know you can live without. Afraid to take a leap onto something you aren't sure is disdain. Minds wondering, not knowing the next step to take. Should I leave or Should I go? Linger in all of your thoughts everyday. Ask him, if he loves me. His answers is always yes, as he mumbles, I love you. I want the intensity, shivery, notice. Want you to love me everyday, like the togetherness of oceans depth, forever together. I want to feel appreciated, just for spending my time of life with you. Listen to me, indulge on my heart, if I say I love you. It's your eat it up. If you want me Prove it, don't treat me like you treated your previous, love me, adore me, cherish me. You'll see, no other woman is needed, no other woman can be me. If you can't love me, let me go, because you and I both know, you are replaceable. Don't be selfish. If you aren't in to me, let me know. Don't cheat on me, keep me with you when you don't love me & call me hurtful names. Just tell me, be honest. Let someone who will adore have me. I need him. Ultimately, the decision is mines, but when you are unsure the last thing, you want is to let go of someone who you love, and says I love you. You trust him, and his words, hey after all this could be, could be us. Just the end of us. If we don't try, we will never know. Times goes by, and I'm still unsure.

from a beautiful mind

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 03:05:11 +0100

Lord u r the source of our life, we cant go without thee, follow us as u lead us, speak to the mountains in our lives, give us the faith of Noah.

Lonely girl

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 02:21:31 +0100

Alone feeling like a burden. Feeling like a faliure, Feeling like I made some bad choices,

Once upon a time all was well, I felt on top of the world, on top of my life, now I'm feeling like the joke is on me. I;m asking myself, what did I do? What is it? Is it my past? Is it my laugh?

You can feel beautiful, You can feel hurt, pain. I am a broken hearted girl, in a world with people, who don't read minds, and also people who don't want to be involved with such a person like me. Broken, bent, and cut. Deminished, Ignored, Shadowed.

I was so happy last week, I felt so blessed, without a doubt I felt blessed, but I have to work on finding my own happiness and getting away from my day to day heart ache. It's not all him, It's me, needing someone. Learing to let go, be real, be honest with myself. I'm sad, I'm crying, I'm vulnerable, I'm alone. He is with her.......and now I am alone.

Miss You

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 02:24:23 +0100

I love him, my blood flows for him, my body is solid for him. I am his queen. I know my sweet god put him here for me. He already knew my destiny, he made a perfect man for me. Yes, he is him. We cant deny the fact that we dont know why, or how our unity became and made us cry as a one. My thoughts are his, my desires he can forfill. I am madly inlove with him... sometimes when i think of him, i lose my thoughts.. i lose my mind.. I cry and I try. Knowing in my heart we were meant for eternity.. knowing in my heart.. he must of felt it. Alone on this one or shall i wait. For him i stay solid, never giving to much always fending his touch. Yearning for his love.. i know he can give to me..make me feel like I am flying in a world, i'd never even thought of, too such a beautiful place we embrace. Its hurts when you live without your life, but you take it how it is and try to get by. Maybe on the day i meet you, that will be the day we never let go. Maybe not...it's possible it will never happen.. I'm nuts!!! I miss you.